SPORTSJULY03

5 sports that me, #1 Sports fan in the world, S. Lyle OConnor couldn't care less about, so neither should you.

1) Marathons. The very idea of running long distances, in the heat of the summer, for no particular good reason is so alien to me that I can't muster up one single observation on this sport. I guess that, if because of some deep-seated defect in your personality, it is something you feel you must do, then by all means Have at it! I am not one to judge.

2) Nascar. I have to side with the infamous sports jockey Jim Rome on this one: "Turning left is not a sport!" Seriously, I wish I were a Nascar a fan. I'm all for any excuse to get together with friends to down a few dozen cold ones, and I do hate going to the dentist, so the "teeth optional" tradition is a bonus. Plus, I'll admit it, being able to marry your cousin isn't the very worst idea I have ever heard. But watching a bunch of high-speed billboards turning left? Well, even the robust mind altering powers of Schlitz malt liquor can't make that interesting. So until they mix it up a little, you know, give the sport a little pizzazz - Maybe a few right turns, or perhaps a figure eight track! Until then, it's just not the kind of thing S. Lyle OConnor is going to endorse. So put that in your pipe and smoke it, Billy Bob. .

3) Bungee jumping with vines in a South Pacific Island. I am referring to the Bunlap tribe of Pentecost Island. "Land diving", as they call it, is a traditional rite of passage for them. Basically, it involves jumping off a 60-foot tree with about 52 feet of vine tied to their legs. The idea is for the vine to tighten just as the person's head impacts the ground. In this way the trauma of impact is, more of less, split three ways: The vine, the participant's skeletal system and his (albeit) very hard noggin. If any of these factors are improperly accounted for, then serious injury will result. And guess what? It often does!!! Hey, I'm not against bungee jumping, -- it looks like it would be a blast! But these natives need to get it right. If you want to bungee jump, for God sakes, go someplace that has the correct equipment, like Wisconsin Dells for example. There must be an amusement park somewhere in the South Pacific. Right? If not Hey, this could be a fine opportunity for you entrepreneurs out there!

4) Cricket. It's just gay, and that is all I'm gonna say.

5) Curling. Hey, I know winter can be very long, and it's nice to get out of the house sometimes. But if "getting out" means I have to run around with a broom, sweeping furiously like Cinderella on speed, while those ridiculous looking "stones" slide around on the ice. Well, I'll just stay indoors, thank you all the same.

CALL FOR HELP

The KAMR has agreed to hire a summer intern to assist me. Main duties will be to help with the many minutes of research it takes to put out my informative 'Unsportsmanlike Comment' column on a more-or-less monthly basis.

Sports' reporting is such a male dominated endeavor. Therefore in the interest of equality, I am insisting that this position is to be filled by a woman. You should be fit and trim, for the physical demands of this job can be very taxing, there is some heavy lifting involved. - Mostly cases, but sometime kegs. It is immoral and illegal to discriminate by age, but because of the intensely thought provoking subjects I write about, this position demands applicants who posses a supple mind. Generally, with some exceptions, I have found that females between the ages of 18 to 28 have the supplest, yet firm little minds. Experience in mixology, and the ability to open containers with out the need of a bottle opener will be considered highly desirable.

This highly lucrative position comes with many on the job perks, however the money-grubbing tyrants at the KAMR CORPORATION will set the actual pay.

Send resume and qualifications to: shawnoconnor@hotmail.com Please include a picture for verification purposes. Because of all the @# $%& laws we have, you must be at least eighteen years of age to apply.