An offbeat, offten imitated, off the wall, hell, sometimes off the floor, glimpse at the world of sports, as seen through the egocentric beer goggles of sports writer extraordinaire S. Lyle OConnor.
UNSPORTSMANLIKE COMMENT is a copyrighted feature of THE KAT AND MICK REPORT. It is published on a more or less monthly basis.
Feeling a little flat.
So I'm sitting in my squalid apartment watching this commercial about some guy with a new flat screen TV. He's throwing a party where everyone is going nuts over some generic rock band that's playing on the TV hanging on his wall. -In all its low profile splendor. Girls are dancing, guys are whooping. -Lots of hot and shapely girls, at least two girls for every dude! Actually, even the dudes looked pretty cool, nary a mullet haircut amongst them. So I get to thinkin' That is exactly the kind of people that could transform my dismal, lack luster existence into a whirling dervish of fun and excitement.
I glared in disgust at my 19 inch General Electric, with it's circa 1973 plastic-wood cabinet and the big, chunky channel selector. Pretty much an eyesore to begin with, plus since it's not a low profile flat screen model; it's using up valuable living space in my apartment. As I continued to glare at my TV, it seemed to glare back at me. Almost laughing at me through its "not so flat" screen. Mocking me. I could almost hear it. "Loser Loser Loser"
Man, how could this be happening to me? How could I be so out of touch? How could my TV be so not flat and so not hanging on my wall?
I knew what needed to be done; it's off to the TeeVee Supermart. The selection there was fabulous. I selected a large, thin screen model with a high-def gismo inside it. At the checkout, a hefty woman with a beehive hairdo (With real bee's!) rang up the bill. "That's 2378 dollars and 38 cents" she said. "Yikes, that was the price? I thought it was the serial number!" I only had 2 hundred bucks on me, so I began to dicker I was confident this would not be a problem because, as every one knows, checkout clerks just love to dicker with customers. Without delay, she reaches along the register and presses a small red button. ???? Must be getting the manager over to get approval
The security guards weren't in much of a dickering mood. I managed to drop three of 'em with pepper spray before the Police arrived. Here's some things I didn't know then, but I know now: Police also carry pepper spray, And they carry electric Tasers, And them dogs? Well, they're not there just to amuse the neighborhood kids, like I thought.
Inside the squad car, with my eyes burning and my muscles twitching, something became clear to me. Perhaps because of the electric shocks I now realized that my assumption was wrong. I assumed that a thin TV would be loads cheaper then a big old fat one because there's a lot less TV parts in 'em! That makes sense, right? Apparently, that is dead wrong because they cost more, lots more! I guess it's just another scam to swindle the consumer out of his hard earned dollars. With the newfound insight that these flat TVs are priced out of my income range, my noble dream of having a television hanging on my wall began to fade.
On the way to the police station I spotted it! The answer to my televiewing quagmire! There, sitting on the curb in a ritzy neighborhood was a good-looking 36" TV monitor. No, it wasn't one of them thin screen TVs I was yearning for, but it wasn't an old 19" clunker either. I had a plan. Plan B. Or was I at plan C?
My bail was cleared within minutes. When you have the clout of the KAMR behind you, things like this get taken care of in quick order. The apologetic cops even gave me a ride back to my car.
Now back to the plan. Step 1. Or am I at step 2? "Acquire free TV from curb". Now, it was a simple matter of engaging my memory retention skills to recall the location of the curbside television. A short 3 hours later I had the 36" beauty strapped to the roof of my 89 Escort.
The chain saw fired up on the first pull, and in a jiffy I had a 36 x 36 inch square hole cut out of my wall. My nosey neighbor Lenny, peered in through the hole. Lenny likes to drink. A lot! And that's ME talking, so you can kind of get a feel for what I am saying. "What ya got going on? "Step 3 of plan B" I deadpanned. A few 40's to brace me, and a few 2x4's for bracing, I had her set in nicely, almost flush with the wall. After cutting up a couple of jeans to stuff in the gap between the wall and the monitor I had it! A good-looking modern television hanging on my wall, just like that guy in the commercial. There was one minor problem, I forgot to route the power cord to the inside of my apartment, luckily Lenny has an outdoor outlet conveniently located on his basement wall. Hey, it's just as well, that'll make her more energy efficient, I'll bet ya!!!
Total cost of project: about six bucks! (Not including bail and fines).
So I grab myself a frosty 40 of Schlitz and plant my butt down for some flat screen tee vee watchin'. I powered up the set with my universally universal remote Wow, the picture was awesome! There was news coverage about a fire. Which was odd because it wasn't like a burning building, or a forest, or anything specific. It was just flames, filmed real close up. And it appeared to be a very important fire, because it was on every single channel. And the smoke, very lifelike, it seemed so real. My smoke alarm even thought so. BEEP BEEP BEEP. As I sat watching, with the incessant smoke alarm piercing my eardrums, something troubling began to weight upon my conscience. Maybe, just maybe, it's not really an up-close camera shot of a fire being shown on every single channel of my junk picked TV. Perhaps something else is happening here
It took two 40-ounce bottles of Schlitz malt liquor, but I was able to put the fire out, thanks to neighbor Lenny's fire extinguisher (burp).
After the smoked cleared, and with a little more handy-work, I assessed the situation. As you may have guessed it, my junk picked 36 inch TV turned out to be well, junk! And you may have also guessed that there is not a screaming throng of hot chicks and mullet-less dudes romping about my apartment. All I got is Lenny, and my 19 inch GE encased in expand-a-foam hanging out of the oversized hole in my wall. Even with its big channel selector knob and small screen, all is not lost, for it is THIN and HANGING on my wall, and that's the most important thing. Well, maybe not the MOST important thing. The most important thing is and will always be; that I am S. Lyle OConnor, sports writer extraordinaire. (Even when I'm not writing 'bout sports.)