An idiot, his keyboard and his two-bit website:
Well how ‘bout that article last month? I predicted McKenzie's hamstring dead nuts on!!! But I also said:
•Bob Slowik’s defense was "sneaky smart". Them are the words I used! •Mike McKenzie would join the team and become a content and happy player. •I predicted the defense would win more then it’s fair share of matchups.
Turns out that I was wrong, wronger and wrongest on those three issues.
I also coined the word "Favreoian". And we certainly had an opportunity to use that word! Witness an unconscious Bret Favre running out onto the field, despite the frantic demands of the medical staff and promptly tossed a 27-yard touchdown pass on 4th down. Favreoian. Man, that’s what I’m talking about.
As of this writing, the Packers just finished dismantling the Detroit Lions at Ford Field, pulling their record up to a slightly less bleak 2 and 4. The Pack is back!!! Ok, It wasn’t a perfect game, and the division leading Lions didn’t exactly play like world-beaters. But in stark contrast to the past four weeks, it was damn encouraging. By the way, did anyone notice a little more originality in the offensive play calling? Humm… I wonder why that would be?
You know what is funny? With the pathetic play at Lambeau Field these days, I was really looking forward to having a road game in Detroit!!! In a dome, no less! Go figure. So, what in the world has happened to the famed Lambeau Field dominance? Can this disturbing losing trend be stopped? Who or what is to blame?
Sit back and read on my dear sports fan, as I, the one and only, S. Lyle OConnor answer these vexing questions.
Feng Shui and the Lambeau Mystique
Or perhaps, the Lambeau mistake? The ancient art of Feng Shui has been a long-standing belief system in Oriental culture. I'm not going to get heavy into the details, …it would take volumes. But now days, new age pundits have embraced a condensed version of Feng Shui. Let’s call it Feng Shui Lite. For a good primer on this, just rent the DVD of Penn and Teller’s cable show, Bullshit! (Family Video has it.) In its most basic form, Feng Shui is “The Art of Placement.” The theory being; that to maximize our life force or “Chi” we should, whenever possible, physically orientate our bodies to it’s most favorable position in relation to the heavens. For example: according to the research I’ve done, I’m supposed to sleep with my head facing the north-east. Yeah, right. Note to self: “When you pass out in the gutter tonight, be sure it’s on a northeast bound street.” It works like this: Using a formula, a Feng Shui expert will calculate something called your Kaun number. This number corresponds to a chart that shows your personal “power-directions.” The surprising end result of all this is that some people will hire these “experts” to come into their home and rearrange their furniture. The goal is to maximize the energy flow, …presumably this energy gets pumped directly into the fortunate person settin’ in said furnishing. Kind of like my Vibro-Matic recliner, but without the massive electric bill! In P&T’s Bullshit! they have a hilarious time with hidden cameras as 8 different “experts” come to rearrange the furniture in an actors apartment. This results, of course, in 8 different “optimal” layouts! -- With more then a few being highly impractical and looking quite absurd. Well, like Penn and Teller demonstrate in the aforementioned show, it’s all Bullshit!
Or is it??? It is interesting to note that as Lambeau Field was remodeled, the player tunnel was relocated from the north to the southeast end of the stadium. The funny thing is, this coincided with the loss of home field dominance. Since then, the winning tradition at home has all but evaporated. With the new tunnel, the players now travel south to north as they enter the field. Could this be raising havoc with the players energy flow? To complicate the matter further, Mike Sherman has (cleverly) encased a section of the original tunnel into the new tunnels structure. It sounded like a neat idea at the time. But, perhaps this is further complicating matters, as the “tunnels” are sending out a veritable hodge-podge of Feng Shui signals. With the old section being north dominant while the new tunnel being southeast dominant. Like man, they got the Ying where the Yang should be. Resulting with the Chi becoming all topsy turby. A big muddled Feng Shui whirlpool of conflicting energy. To those of you who say: "Well that's all fine, but back in the 70’s and 80’s the tunnel was intact. What about all those loses at Lambert Field???" Well, to you and your ilk, I have but one word to say: “Just shut the hell up.”
Perhaps it’s the whole “tunnel” concept that's gumming up the works. Let’s try eliminating it. The Players could dress in the outdoor Porta-Potties, and be dropped directly onto the field it via the infamous (and seldom seen) Packer Helmetcopter. Come on Sherman, let’s give that a try. Something has to be done to revive Lambeu Field’s dominance.
Hey, it’ll be expensive and rather inconvenient to relocate the locker rooms and tunnel to achieve a higher level of Chi. But I see a total Feng Shui makeover as the surest solution to the Packers home field woes. I mean, what else can we do? Sure, I guess maybe the players could tackle better. That might help. Or perhaps they could cover opposing receivers a little closer. Maybe they could catch the football a little better. And be sure to hang on to it when you’re running downfield. Maybe better pass routes? Better passes? How about offensive play calling that's offensive to the opposing team, not just offensive to the folks watching the game? That sure wouldn’t hurt the team’s chances. How about some pressure on the opposing quarterback? Yeah, sacking the quarterback does seem to be in fashion with the upper crust defenses in the NFL…
You know what, now that I think about it, those ideas just might turn this ship around. Christ, am I brilliant? Or what? I’m tellin’ ya, I'd make a great NFL coach. I can just see it, S. Lyle OConnor, big time NFL coach extraordinaire. No, scratch that! Make it: Big time NFL Coach and GM extraordinaire. Yeah, that’s the ticket.
If you click on firstname.lastname@example.org you can share your inner most thoughts, fantasies and dreams with S. Lyle OConnor. I ask you; don’t you feel kind of deficient as a human being for not doing that?