4/10/2006
HAPPY APRIL FOOLS DAY TO YOU!!!
Well folks, another April Fools Day has come and gone. It was mostly uneventful; not one single hoax was played upon me. Myself, I did my standard prank: I taped up the spray nozzle on the kitchen sink, so it's always on. When an innocent person goes to get a drink of water, they get sprayed with an icy blast of the old H2O. He, he, he. I crack myself up. Of course, like every year I soon forget the faucet is bobby trapped and I spray myself a couple of times throughout the day.
But it's worth it. I'll sit at the kitchen table, anxiously waiting for one of my kids needing a drink of water. It took but a few minuets and in they came. ...Even better, with a few neighbor kids in tow! "We're thirsty!" my youngest declares. "What? Your arms fell off again??? Help yourself!" I say, pointing to the conspicuous stack of clean glasses next to the sink. She takes a glass; her brother and the neighbor kids are at her side, also thirsty. Time itself seems to slow down.... She reaches for the faucet... The excitement is unbearable, I'm ready to pee my paints (That's another topic.) Then, the big payoff! Arrrgh!!!! Ahhhah! Undaunted, the kids considered this to be an impromptu water park. Never bothering to shut the faucet off, they're slipping, sliding, laughing and making a general mess of out of the place. My Kitchen: The areas newest water park!
Oh, the simple pleasure of outwitting the tiny little brains of children! Ok, it's not the most exciting or original trick, I know that. But it works every year!
Now for something a little more elaborate...
This is a prank I always thought would be kind of cool. An original idea of mine …more of a head game actually. It's not particularly funny. It's mostly just strange. But, it has a sublime, art school quality that I find very intriguing.
The basic premise is this: What happens when an acquaintance discovers that you harbor a totally inappropriate interest in him or her? Or conversely, an interest in their spouse??? To drive this point home, we’ll use an interesting dramatic prop. The prop? A coffee mug. One of those specialty mugs that have a custom photograph on it. Here's the layout:
Pick a victim with a good sense of humor. Or not, if you're feeling dangerous. For this illustration I'll use a guy. A woman could just as easily be the dupe. However, a woman is more likely to file a sexual harassment suit. But then again, guys typically punch harder.
You will need a naked picture of your victim. Or for a sideways twist, -a naked picture of his wife. But you say, "S. Lyle, naked pictures are not always readily available". Not a problem. In that case you'll just need a face shot. A little cut and paste'in with some readily available software and you can easily add the missing bits. Many products will work, I prefer Photoshop®. And as long as you're setting at the computer, and you've made the effort to steal, I mean buy, the software; you might as well give it the royal treatment. Why stop at a naked picture? Let’s add additional digital enhancements for added drama. Use your imagination. Have the picture tell a story, give it a theme. I'll add this; for reasons I can't explain, pictures of folks doing inappropriate acts with animals are always a sure fire hit. My advice is to take it as far over the edge of good taste as you can.
Now, you'll need some money. A few, three hundred dollars would make a nice impact. Less cash will work, but more cash would work better. Take your doctored photograph to the local camera store and have them made into coffee mugs with said picture printed on them. Get as many as you can, being sure to get the volume discount. They can be had at less then 5 bucks a crack, if you hit a sale.
When the photo mugs are finished, place them in your cupboard in such a manner so they dominate the cupboard space. Remove all the other dishware. Ideally, you would have every cupboard in your kitchen completely filled with photo mugs. Be creative with the placement to maximize the effect.
The visit!
It's time to arrange for your 'mark' to come over for a visit. Hell, share the joy, invite all your friends. You could clue them in on the joke if you want, or maybe not.
Make a big effort to prime your victim for the upcoming sting. Say weird things to him (or his wife if that applies). Get real touchy-feely; make physical contact as often as possible. Make him (her) feel that they are a very special part of your life. You're supposed to be obsessed, remember? Mention specifics about looks. "You look great, really great! Have you been working out?" Or.. "That extra weight your carrying really makes you look really manly." Stuff like that. Lay it on nice and heavy.
Then:
1) Make some coffee. Nice and stiff, I'd recommend.
2) Casually point to your cupboard and ask him to grab some mugs for the coffee.
3) Sit back and enjoy. There will, I am sure, be the most profound look of confusion on his face. This will soon change to an even more profound look of confusion, as he begins to ponder your newfound obsession with his naked body. -Or his wife's naked body, or perhaps his curious interest in farm animals, or whatever nasty perversion your clever self eloquently dramatized with your little theater of coffee mugs.
Expect an awkward silence. Respect this silence. Don't say anything.
I'm not really sure what happens next. There are just too many variables. But, after a time, the mugs should be distributed as lifelong souvenirs of this prank, providing a timely reminder with every sip of cup of coffee or tea. Thus, guaranteeing that the story will be told over and over, ultimately reaching folklore proportions. If your victim is anything other then a completely humorless moron, you should eventually become his hero. Maybe later, maybe sooner. But there will come a time when this hoax would be told with the absolute fondest of memories.
If not. Hey, screw 'em if they can't take a joke!
So what's the point??? Hell, I don't know. Like I said, it's not particularly funny, it's rather expensive, and it could easily be misconstrued as downright gay! But, you have to admit, inch for inch; pound for pound it's about as utterly weird and delightfully twisted as anything could be. And that my dear reader, well that's got to count for something.
I am S. Lyle OConnor. And you're not. Lucky you.
