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An offbeat, offten imitated, off the wall, hell, sometimes off the floor, glimpse at the world of sports, as seen through the egocentric beer goggles of sports writer extraordinaire S. Lyle OConnor.
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Hitting the Paparazzi with a big wad of there own $#!+
I know it's hard for the average fan to understand the difficulties us famous people have.  I'm sure you think being a world famous sports writer equates to a fun, exciting life, with few complications. But being famous has a dark side, with the media and the public always trying to bask in your fame.  They want to get a piece of you, so to speak. -- A lock of hair, a strip of clothing, or a candid photograph.  In a very real way we are prisoners of our own fame.  Although with Green Bay's small town atmosphere, I slide by mostly without hassle, only the occasional encounter with a rabid fan, groupie or the Paparazzi.  I don't mind the groupies, not one bit!  And fans that tear off my clothing or hair.  Well, come on, can you really blame them?  But, what I cannot tolerate is people taking photographs of me.  Because as modern science has established, each photo subtracts a considerable amount of your life-force, which is forever lost.    

Like I said, it's not a big problem here in the Midwest.  Frankly, many people pretend not to even know who I am.  But most celebrities are not that lucky, most of them live in fishbowls like New York or LA where people will aggressively invade your privacy and shamelessly sell it to the highest bidder.  Personally, I have never been out of the Green Bay city limits, but I am sure if I were to show my face in LA, New York or Cincinnati, I would be shadowed by hordes of overzealous Paparazzi that would chronicle my every move.  My every move!   And to be honest, while the great majority of my "moves" are ones of great style and grace, there may be a small minority of "moves" that my adoring public would find less then graceful or stylish.  Perhaps even Oh, what's the best word?  Troubling?  Unsettling?  Disconcerting?    I think you get my drift. 

I am not against the Paparazzi in principle.  The public has always had an appetite for insight into the lives of it's famed icons.  But now, with today's reality TV's wasteland, this demand has reached unhealthy levels.  Sure, we are public figures, and an occasional candid photo outside a restaurant or bar is a reasonable price to pay for fame and fortune. But it has gone far overboard, with many of the Paparazzi crossing the line with intrusive and aggressive tactics.  Viciously sucking the life-force from our famous and beautiful. Deadly car chases, hidden cameras, video equipped helicopters.   They hide in trees and bushes like vermin.  They even harass our children.  No child should have to grow up under those conditions.  The arrogance of today's clandestine photog is astounding. They are adamant that they have a 1st amendment right to relentlessly intrude on our privacy.  Rest assured, the 1st amendment was not written with these sycophants in mind.  At there very best, they are tacky and rude.  At there worst, which unfortunately is becoming the status quo; they are reprehensible blood sucking parasites.  

Listen up fellow celebs; S. Lyle OConnor has the solution for you! 

The excellent plan

Get together with your rich and famous pals and comprise a list of the worst offenders.  Let's say, the top, (or is it the bottom?) 100 Paparazzo.  Now, pool up a nice big pile of money amongst your rich cronies.  At this point I would recommend setting it up as a corporation.  The main function of your newly founded corporation is to hire Paparazzi!  And there job?  To Paparatz the Paparazzi!  24/7, round the clock.  All day, even!  Be sure to hire the most obnoxious ones.  Now sit back and enjoy the show, it's time for them to get a taste of there own bitter medicine.   

Then you'll need a magazine (or infamous website publisher like Kat and Mick Enterprises).  The free and widely distributed magazine will publish only the most unglamorous pictures of your subjects.  And as long as you're at it, you might as well make up unfounded stories to go along with the pictures.  For example, if a picture shows a photog drinking from a paper cup, be sure to point out what they are drinking.  No doubt, they're drinking straight moonshine made in their very own back yard still. Are they smoking a cigarette?   Speculate in a public forum on every cigarette they smoke  is it laced with crack cocaine, or is it just opium?  And don't forget, every personal encounter is fodder for in depth conjecture about a sexual affair, be it male, female or any combination therein.  What was that greenish object in his camera bag?  Is that a little green alien baby???  Perhaps it's black-market fissionable material???  

Ok, I'll admit it; this may not help very much.  But it sure will be sweet justice!  And at the very least, there will be less Paparazzo available to hound your famous selves, simply because of the ones that you have scooped out of the job pool.  -- And are now working for your side! 

So, Mr. and Misses Hollywood Celebrity Person, if you need some help setting this all up, don't be afraid to give me a holler.  I can help!  And perhaps, you can help me in return!   Hell I'd be a great leading man in the latest Hollywood blockbuster.  I just know I would! 

I can see it now  S Lyle OConnor, bigtime Hollywood actor extraordinaire.