Well dear readers, it's been a while since I posted a new article! Because of pressing national security issues, I am unable to either confirm or deny any information concerning my absence over the past months. However, you are free to speculate that I, S. Lyle OConnor will soon be receiving some very high honors and accolades both from our Government, and those of the free world.
Authors note: Oh what the hell, I'll come clean with you! The real truth: as an April fools joke, my #2 son swapped around the mouse and keyboard cables on my computer. I've been working nonstop on this lame ass article for months, typing with my mouse and pointing with my keyboard. Very tedious work, I'll tell you that*. My kids had such great fun watching me suffer; they kept the prank going. They finally clued me in yesterday. Just as I finished the last paragraph. Just wait till them little buggers go to sleep tonight! I got me a big bag full of venomous scorpions. (Yes, they come by the bagful.)
What we missed, and what we sure ain't going to discuss.
Much has happened in the sports world since my last article. None of it good! As of right now, it pretty much sucks. We got steroids, contract holdouts, an inexplicable Packer draft and domestic abuse. Plus, lockouts, holdouts, burnouts and spinouts. We have fake wieners with dried urine and real dinks that deserve a genuine piss bath. IE: The Wizzanator and (Walkers) agent Drew Rosenhaus, in that order. Well, to hell with it! I, S. Lyle OConnor ain't gonna bring attention to any of it. Instead I'll just ramble on about the assorted and pointless crap that managed to bubble to the surface of my beer-encrusted cranium. There is nothing you can do about it, except strap on a happy face and enjoy!!!
LOOK OUT!!!! Speed Bump Ahead!
I don’t understand why a person feels they need a SUV or 4x4's. Nor would I pay $88,000 for a hummer. Wow, that's got to be some hummer! Have ever followed a SUV as they maneuver around a parking lot speed bump? This seems to be the trend at my workplace. It's a sad and pathetic sight; there can be no doubt about that. I guess the driver needs to pamper the $43,000 of trans-axle-posi-joint technology under his/her machine. But what's the point of it all? My 95 Escort takes speed bumps like a champion, and hell if I blow out the front end, a few hearty shoves will be enough to coast her to the auto parts store. Chances are, a couple or three 20's will get her fixed back up. ─ I may need a little cash also…
I don’t understand.
What's the story on people who keep their floors so clean they could eat off them? In reality, they are the very last people in the world who would actually eat something off the floor. It all seems crazy backwards, and I'll have no part of it.
Can't we have a little love?
The grouchy old lady next door just knocked on my door. She was mad at me because, yesterday my cat got out and was sitting on her kitchen window sill and, in her words: “was looking at me” She went on to mention that she hates cats. Ok, me bad! I need to keep my pets on my property. Fair enough. But still, why all the trauma? I don’t understand people who hate cats. I mean, hate cats! Personally, I can't even fathom how a person can manage not to love cats. But OK I’ll give you that. Some folks don’t like 'em. But why HATE?? It’s cute, fuzzy and it purrs. I hate it!
Please be sure to securely fasten all belongings…
Here is something to ponder… Let's say you're traveling down the road in your car, which happens to have a pair of handcuffs hanging on the rear view mirror. (It could be anything… fuzzy dice, an air freshener, etc.) Now let’s say the handcuffs are so worn from file marks that the link between them suddenly breaks open, thus causing them to fall from the mirror. My point is this; while they are hanging on the mirror they are in effect "attached" to the traveling car. But when they fall, they break free from the restraints of the traveling vehicle. Correct? Have you ever wondered why, if an object is no longer attached to the moving car, why doesn't it stop moving forward with the car? In all rights, one could surmise that the person sitting in the back seat would be traveling toward the now stationary (falling) handcuffs at 65 mph ─ causing them no small bit of discomfort as his/her body collided with them. Wouldn't ya think?
Experts tell me this is because of Newton's 1st law of motion, which mandates that any object in motion, will tend to stay in motion. Good thing. Man, life sure would be weird and dangerous if not for that little law. Think about it for a moment. For example: According to calculations, our planet Earth is traveling about 920,000 mph through space. ...So what happens when you get a little air trying to dunk a 2-pointer? Or use a pogo stick? Or for that matter, even try to walk. We'd all need Velcro shoes. Hey, that sounds simple enough, stick a couple of Velcro strips on your shoes. I guess it's the other Velcro strips, ...you know the hooks. ─ That would be the tricky part. The roads, parks, fields, sidewalks, etc, etc, etc. Yes, that’s a very good law you wrote up Mr. Newton. Let’s all work to keep that one on the books.
A few words about railing safety and the Galactic Empire...
I was recently cited by the county building inspector. The complaint stated that I need to install a railing on the steps leading down into my cave entrance. It had to be 36 inches tall, and not one inch less. Ok, fine, safety first!
At least, on our planet! But, what's up in that wacky "Star Wars" universe? In the enlightened culture of that galaxy far, far away, they have walkways perched literally in the clouds. Or worse yet, along a bottomless power-coupled-trans-flux-fusion-array!!! Ya wouldn't want to fall into that now would you? But, what is going to stop you? Nothing. Nada. Not even a strip of plastic warning tape. Just a smooth edge dropping off into a chasm of electric death, measuring about "infinity plus some" deep. Yikes!!! Who the hell is charge of OSHA over there?
*Getting 'er done. The hard way.
The aforementioned "typing with a mouse" process involved locating documents already posted on the Internet. Then it’s a simple matter of cut and paste to this existing document. Mostly one character at a time! Sometimes I could nab a whole word, or if real lucky, a series of words. Like I said, it was tedious and time consuming. Next time I'll know enough to check my mouse/keyboard connections. But hey, looking at the finished article… it was well worth the effort! Because now my beloved readers have this well written and profound article for their titillation and enjoyment. Yes, I'll just bet ya, that's what they got.
S. Lyle OConnor can be reached at email@example.com. As I said many times before, you would be crazy not to contact him. However, with that said, it occurs to me that I have a $#!+ load of crazy readers.