Hey, where did the bowl go, man?
By S. Lyle OConnor
Super bowl, Rose bowl, Pro bowl, Chunky soup bowl. Football is all about bowls. This comes about from the simple fact that a football stadium resembles a bowl. A large oblong bowl filled with multi-colored specks of screaming people. Just like a bowl of the Frosted Fruity Flakes cereal that my kids love. Except for the blaze orange, you don't find that color in a breakfast cereal very often. And each flake would weight around 180 pounds, that would be kind of rare. Plus, most of the flakes are steeped in beer and stuffed with sausages. ...That's a little off the mark, I guess. And they are all screaming. ...Well, the screaming would make sense. So in summation, ya got yourselves a big screaming bowl of malted, nitrate cured, multi-flavored people flakes. Yummy!
...Ah, where were we? Oh, I remember... I was going to talk about Lambeau Field.
I enthusiastically voted for the Lambeau Field renovation, but now I have second thoughts. I think they should, tear down what they got so far, and go back to the drawing board. The design is all wrong, its missing something. Its got no... well, its got no bowlability. For example: study the east facade while your driving westward down Lombardi. Don't worry take your time, traffic will wait. Observe the imposing square blocks of stone, brick and glass. To my way of thinking, there's a major design flaw with the building. And I know what I'm talking about, because not unlike George Castandsa, many times, in bars and at parties, I have successfully pretended to be an architect. In a word, I see nothing, with the single exception of the lighting towers, that intuitively suggests this is the home gridiron of the fabled Green Bay Packers.
Hey, make no mistake, for my half penny on a buck, it's a very attractive structure. But I'm thinking... a museum, high tech office building, or maybe a shopping mall, but not a football stadium. For an example of a well designed Wisconsin stadium: take a look at the the exquisitely designed Miller Park. A multi-faceted domed roof, beautifully adorned arched windows, the curved, sweeping lines of the ballpark's logo. All of this set into a substructure that has preserved the fundamental roundness of a ballpark. It has got Bowlability. In spades, man! And dam-it-all, you don't even need to have bowlability in a baseball stadium.
Compare the new Lambeau Field to Miller Park: a large imposing rectangular facade, large square windows, massive square corner towers, and large square blocks of decorative stone set into the brick work. Has anyone noticed the two giant square lollipops set in stone? (look again, you'll see 'em) What's that about? Even the bricks are square-ish, well, I can accept that. But overall, the scene is squares-ville, a major L7* endeavor. How can you expect to host a Superbowl when you don't even have a football bowl? The Super Monolithic game?
I have desperately been trying to get a hold of Bob Harlan to discuss this issue with him, but he's not returning my calls, even though I am a stockholder! However, this will quickly change once he realizes the power and influence that I wield as sports commentator at the KAM report. He'll be calling me soon, I'm sure.
I say lets round the corners off! We want a bowl! Not a cube. Right now, it looks like we are building the Lambeau Game Cube. Maybe that has been Mr. Harlan's plan all along, He's a smart cookie, There's no doubt. How about it Mr.Yasumoto**, care to pony up for naming rights?
I know this all may seem petty, but since my team of brain care specialists altered my medication regimen, I am blessed with this heighten awareness. I feel it's my God given duty to share these profound thoughts with my adoring public. Maybe I'll have them ratchet up the dosage five or six notches, then I'll really give ya the story. Or, perhaps I'm just suffering from severe malt liquor depravation. You see, the tyrannical management of the KAM report has seen fit to hold back my contractual allotment of Schlitz malt liquor because of a minor contract issue. (See the Freeman article). Sigh, the poor babes, they know not who they mess with.
I have to go now, its time for therapy. I'll leave you with this one thought, borrowed from the works of Jack Handly. (Of "Deep Thoughts" fame).
Question: If trees could scream would we still cut them down?
Answer: We might. Especially if they took to screaming at all hours of the day and night.
You all go and have yourselves a nice day, okay? Okay.
*L7? Okay I'll hip ya to this. Draw a capital L. Right next to it draw a 7. What do you have? A square. For advance users, you don't need a pen! Just position your fingers... left hand a L, right hand a 7, each thumb touching the other hands 4th finger. Kapeash?
** For you non-nerds, he's the CEO of Nintendo, Ltm.. However, with that said, I doubt if any non-nerds are reading this article. I'd bet against it. I'd bet heavy, the mortgage for sure, maybe even the title to the 87 Ford Escort.