Baseball plays on, and on, and on
Whew, that was close, major League Baseball almost went on strike!
Truth be told, I am not the biggest baseball fan in the world. The game is too slow for my tastes. Hardcore fans tell me that the game is, more then anything, a game of strategy. After giving the matter allot of thought, I devised what I believe to be a foolproof strategy. Guaranteed to win! I do this at great personal risk, because some very powerful people will be angered by this exposé. It is no coincidence that a few teams always dominate baseball. Fact is, these winning teams that have already adapted the strategy that I am about to spell out. The Stienbrener's of the baseball world will not be happy campers when the word gets out to the other teams. But it will be great for the game; once they all share this formula for success, they will (finally!) have parity.
When you get your chance to swing the bat. Hit the ball really hard, as hard as you can. This will cause the ball to fly out, over the fence and out of the playing field. Then it's a simple matter of strut'in across the bases, and spit'in tabacky on the grass. This will give you 1 point. Even thought 1 point is the equivalent of the humble extra point in football, in baseball it is considered to be a big deal.
When the other player hit's the ball, run real fast to where the ball will land and catch it with your giant glove. Now, and this is important; if the person swinging the bat is aware of the offensive strategy spelled out in the previous paragraph, he will also hit the ball very hard,-causing it to fly out of the playing field. In that situation, you should jump up real high, and again, snag the ball it with your giant glove. It is vital to catch the ball before it flies out of the playing field.
One of the best defenses is to have the pitcher throw the ball so fast, the batter is unable to hit it. A pitcher who consistently does that will be very popular with his playmates, because it saves them all allot of work when they don't have to run and jump all over the field with those heavy gloves. If a pitcher is really proficient at tossing the baseball past the batter, he will pitch a game where no player hit's the ball. -A no-hitter! This non-event is considered to be the absolute epidtamy of excitement for a baseball fan. It's all rather anti-climatic, and if you ask me, its down right selfish and mean spirited.
Most always a combination of hitting the ball really hard and running/jumping to catch the opponents ball will get you a mark in the win column. When your team gets a few thousand of these winning marks, they can go for the pennant. Here they get to play another couple hundred games, I've never been able to pay attention long enough to see how this pennant race finally gets decided, but I guess it ends eventually. And with a fair amount of hoopla, I'm told, -with a trophy and everything.
To me, it all seems pretty pointless, but Baseball is not without it's use. Haven't gotten any sleep in the past few weeks??? Are the voices screaming inside your head, and the demons dancing across your eyelids have you contemplating yet another murder spree? Baseball can help! First you need to find a baseball game on your radio. But, even if your state of mind is so unsound that a simple task like checking a sports schedule, and tuning a radio overwhelms you Don't worry, it's automatic! You see the snail's pace of the game insures that the bulk of the radio broadcast is dead air. Just grab your AM radio and spin the dial until it sounds like your radio has been turned off. Don't confuse dead air with static, static is a hissing sound, you are looking for radio silence. -This is the spot, leave the dial parked, and go to your fridge, walk in cooler, or the chilly, bat infested cavern deep below your squalid apartment, and grab yourself a Schlitz malt liquor. By the time you crack the lid on your 40 ounce'r, you will have heard the baseball announcer verbalize something. -Probably some "banter", but possibly a description of sports related action, ... "a swing and a miss" "hit foul left of center" -Stuff like that. Now, settle back in your easy chair, or my personal favorite; a bed of bloody, red-hot nails. Within minutes you will be getting the 30 or 40 hours of unbroken slumber your ravaged soul has been crying for throughout your latest psychotic episode.
So, despite all of baseballs problems... The bickering between the spoiled owners and the pampered players, slow tedious gameplay, and Commissioner Selig, who routinely equals the ineptness of another famous commissioner. -Commissioner Gordon on the Batman TV show. I, for one, am glad baseball did not go on strike, -if for no other reason; it's great sleep therapy.
S. Lyle OConnor can be reached at email@example.com