One momentous day, I recalled that I had an Schlitz Malt Liquor coupon in my wallet. What an awesome stroke of luck! They ran it through the copy machine for me. The beer tasted exactly like SML! However, the beer was colored gray, -- because the coupon had a black and white photo of the legendary 40 oz beverage. But with an unending supply of SML 40's at my beck and call, I wasn't about to complain, I'm tell'in ya that for sure.
With the calming effect of the malt liquor, I was able to really relax my, quote-unquote, muscles and the sha-la-bunging began to produce a, well a whole new level of sensations. By the way, I now receive extensive counseling from my (team of) brain care specialists about these "new levels of sensations."
Throughout this long and harrowing ordeal, I took great comfort in thinking about the massive search for me, back on planet earth. I could envision an overwrought president Bush giving his daily international press conference on my disappearance. -- An anxious world hanging on his every word. Sometimes, thinking about the millions of people involved in my search, was the sole thing that gave me the will to survive. I owed it to them to survive!
My return to planet earth, and why do the aliens abduct us?
One evening, about four months, into my ordeal, a new earth specimen arrived. A young Spanish lad, in his late twenties. He was well dressed, well tanned and had a muscular, well sculpted body. The aliens took great interest in him. Almost immediately, they preformed the anal probing procedure, following it with a dozen more throughout the day! Also, I noticed they used a much bigger and more "detailed" apparatus on him. The poor guy! But he handled it well. Unlike me, he seemed to understand how to relax his "muscles" right off the bat, -- the very first time! Not like the many weeks it took me. I wonder how he knew that?
The day he arrived, my probing sessions with the aliens came to an abrupt halt. They seemed preoccupied with the new guy. This was great news! But it kind of bothered me a little. "Like, who does this guy think he is? Ah, The hell with em" I said. "Who needs it"! But, you know I kind of wished that maybe they would have tapered me off a little bit Not just cold turkey. Geese!
The very next night, I found myself at the entrance of the KAM publishing towers. I was stark naked and in a dream-like stupor. Mike, ever the tireless executive, was inside, helping set the plates for the morning run. When he answered the door, he was shocked to see me. Totally surprised. I was certain that my long absence was the source of his surprise. But it turns out that he was shocked, mainly, because I was naked. Later, he confessed to me that he wasn't even aware that I was gone! (I really have to start showing up at the office once in awhile).
Even more surprising Not one, of my millions of fans, noticed that I was gone either. Nor did my coworkers at the rocket assembly plant! Although I'm not especially productive there, so I guess I could go unnoticed for three or four months But my children? My parents? You would think they'd notice I was gone. Wow! I guess all that stuff with Iraq and the space shuttle disaster really had people distracted.
OKAY HERE IS THE BIG QUESTION ON EVERYBODY'S MIND:
The ALIENS! Why are they here? What is their purpose?
Other then the anal probing? Absolutely nothing! That's the only thing that they have any passion for. They don't have hobbies or jobs, they don't seem to talk much, I don't think they don't even have sex. Their space ship was major disappointment; with the single exception of the 3D molecular copy machine (stolen, no doubt) the ship was sorely lacking in technology. Diabolical weapons? Forget about it! Hell, they ran the whole ship with an Apple II and a couple of Atari joysticks. Other then the exquisitely designed anal probes, they're sure not craftsmen. And housekeepers, -- they are not! The ship's interior was the absolute definition of "squalid". -- Mostly old mattresses and torn up bean bag chairs.
And television? That sucks too. It's all lame re-runs, mostly, Jerry Springer type crap, a few classic shows, and lots of Alf reruns. Except for channel 4. That's like, their 'community access channel'. They love that! I call it the anal probing channel, "All probing, all the time." They watch it non stop, all the while chanting "sha-la-bung! , sha-la-bung!" After a few days of the probing channel, I managed to steal the remote and hide it in my shirt pocket. They never bothered to search me there, in fact, they are so anal fixated that I don't think they're even aware that humans have an upper half! With me at the helm of the remote control, I was able to kill the time watching some halfway decent TV. Mostly, Andy Griffith, NFL football bloopers, and lots of Alf.
So now I'm back! And damn happy to be writing for this two bit website, once again. Life is good, sure I'm a little bit, you know, sore, and I have a few extra issues to sort out with my brain care team, but all in all, I'm back and I'm OK. So keep watching the KAMR for my column! And hell, while you're at it: keep watching the skies. KEEP WATCHING THE SKY'S!!!!